ACTIVE LISTENING: EMBRACING OUR DIFFERENCES

  Anger and other negative emotions may be evoked when individuals try to share their experiences with others and those experiences are not listened to or validated. The word "experience" is itself a very broad term and difficult to define. To complicate things more we all experience things differently. Take for example the experience of a sunset. While some individuals revel in its inexplicable beauty others reflect on the wavelengths, refractions of light and other characteristics which define and explain what they are experiencing.

When individuals try to share their unique experiences with others the grounds for a battle between who is right and who is wrong are often laid. When Pontius Pilate was sitting in judgment of Jesus and casually asked "What is truth?" he asked one of the most profound philosophical questions of all time (John 18:38).

Simply put, being "right" and knowing "the truth" helps many people cope with life. Psychologically there is a tendency to simplify and explain things because the unexplained raises our anxiety. This is a primary reason why individuals hold on to their truths and are willing to go through "knock down drag out" fights to defend them!

Imagine a time in the future when a scientist invents a machine that allows us to be someone else for a day. The potential for understanding each other would increase dramatically! Meanwhile we will have to rely on communication to understand one another. The beauty of effective communication is that it enables us to relate our individual "experiences" and "truths" to each other. The main vehicle for achieving this is active listening. 

If you practice active listening with your children or spouse positive results are guaranteed. Active listening involves good eye contact, attentive body language and periodical feedback to the person, which acknowledges you heard what was being said. Active listening also involves putting your own "truths" and "experiences" aside for a while; this is the most challenging part for many people.

If you decide to improve your communication skills and practice active listening be aware that you may experience anger and other negative emotions when your own "truths" and "experiences" are challenged and you choose not to defend them. Realizing this and actively paying attention to it will help you let go and expand you own realms of "truth" and "experience" (remember it was not long ago when people believed the world was flat and those who challenged this belief were thought to be "off their rocker"!).

Personal growth involves mindful attention to our own inner fears that limit our openness to alternative experiences of reality. Being conscious of this allows us to open new doors and expand our worlds. In addition our relationships can only improve as we move closer to understanding each other through active listening.